Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
