I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
