6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
