my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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