I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
