she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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