Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
