have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
