theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
