No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
