Banned from zoo.
Again?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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