Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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