she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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