Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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