her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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