Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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