i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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