so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She told me I should be a condom model.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
