Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
