You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
