there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
