is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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