Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
