I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
