addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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