Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.