I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.