Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.