Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
