I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.