please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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