I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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