Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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