His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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