the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
