wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
