I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..