my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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