I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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