pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
