I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
