tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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