This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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