i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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