yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
