You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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