I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
