my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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