Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
