So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
