I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
