I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
