Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
